Signs Your Relationship's Heading For 'Silent Divorce' – And How To Change Course

There can come a point – particularly after having kids – where couples might move from a romantic, emotionally-connected https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/news/sex-and-relationships">relationship to something that can feel more functional, and even distant. 

Some have dubbed it the “silent https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/news/divorce">divorce”.

As lifestyle editor https://www.scarymommy.com/lifestyle/silent-divorce-why-couples-stay-married" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Julie Sprankles shared for Scary Mommy: couples might look fine from the outside, but their actual relationship tells a different story.

“They scroll on their phones and speak to each other in clipped sentences that mostly concern the kids or household responsibilities,” she wrote. “Some of them argue frequently.

Others say they’re past the point of even putting energy into arguing and just kind of do their own thing to keep the peace.” 

Couples tend to quietly stop reaching for each other.

Sex and relationship psychotherapist https://www.thetherapyyard.co.uk/miranda-christophers/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Miranda Christophers, who is founder of https://www.thetherapyyard.co.uk/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">The Therapy Yard, said it’s something she sees a lot. 

“People often say it happens after children or where other work/life aspects take priority,” she told HuffPost UK. “They may describe themselves as living more like housemates/friends.”

The relationship shift can also happen when people’s interests, goals, values, and priorities change over time – and they find their attention is focused on other things, such as work, hobbies or friendships.

“People can often feel their partner no longer has the same interest in them.

A very common observation will be that communication and emotional intimacy and connection have deteriorated,” Christophers continued. 

If there have been unresolved issues during the relationship, these can also “chip away” at emotional intimacy, connection and safety, the expert added.

Signs you’re heading for ‘silent divorce’ 

Sex expert Sofie Roos, who writes for https://passionerad.se/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Passionerad, has suggested that the “signs are easy to miss” when it comes “silent divorce” as the shift is usually quite gradual. 

Here’s what to look out for...

1.

Changes in communication

Christophers suggested this could mean a shift in how you communicate, what you talk about (do you share feeling and emotions with each other?) and whether you’re properly listening to, and understanding, each other.

There can also be a sense of disconnection or feeling like your lives have drifted.

“Perhaps you no longer talk about or do things together unless they involve others, or you no longer have interest in how the other is, or feels,” the therapist explained.

Roos agrees, saying couples in a “silent divorce” might stop being curious about each other and only talk about practical things, “like the kids, work, your economic situation, the household and all the other stuff to make juggling everyday life work out”.

Conversations focused on feelings, dreams, the future you want to build together or interesting subjects you like to discuss and/or share may seem like a thing of the past.

2.

Not feeling emotionally intimate, safe or connected

You might also feel that you are disinterested in your partner – or they’re disinterested in you.

This can also look like being sexually disconnected from each other or rarely having intimate sex.

Christophers noted that many people have a great and emotionally intimate relationship without sex, but when it feels more like silent divorce territory, “sex becomes a topic that is hard to talk about (if at all), or one [person] may feel their partner doesn’t have sexual or romantic interest in them”.

Roos said both physical and emotional intimacy can fade – “and instead of a couple being together for the sake of love, it starts to feel more as if you’re a company or team running the household together”.

3.

Having fewer arguments because you’ve stopped caring

While some might report more arguments as a relationship drifts off track, Roos noted that conflict can actually occur less often when heading for a “silent divorce”.

Sometimes this can be “because you’ve stopped caring about the relationship”, she noted.

At this point, you might not feel the need to invest energy in trying to change it.

4.

Feeling alone even when you’re together

Couples might report spending lots of time together, but they can also still feel alone.

This can result in them seeking emotional support from friends, family and colleagues instead of from their partner, Roos added.

What to do if you are heading for silent divorce – or are already there

The key thing is to recognise it’s happening and attempt to do something about it before it’s too late.

Christophers suggested making space for the relationship as a top priority.

“People are often busy working on other things: work/career, family, life admin, friends, and the thing that gives is the relationship,” she said, “so I would say, instead, to rethink how time and energy can be created to refocus on the relationship...”

Roos advised setting a recurrent relationship check-in, where you talk about how you’re doing, or if there’s anything your partner has been thinking of that you should try or do together.

“This can be during a walk, a drink at your favourite bar or during a picnic,” she said. 

During these “check-ins”, try to talk about problems before they get out of control, she suggested: “It’s much better to bring up worries and thoughts as soon as something feels wrong, and address it directly, than to keep it to yourself until it can’t be fixed anymore.”

Give each other space to talk and listen during these check-ins.

Think about what attracts you to each other, and what you enjoy about each other, suggested Christophers.

Reconnect with what you enjoyed about the relationship in the past or explore new ideas together. 

Prioritise small everyday moments of affection and appreciation, added Roos.

This might look like “a spontaneous hug, a genuine compliment or simply saying ‘thank you’ more often when you notice that they’ve gone that extra mile for you”. 

The risk of not doing anything to tackle it

Expert consensus is that if couples don’t address this issue, the relationship can deteriorate “as it can feel that it no longer has the foundations that it was built on”.

“There is a greater risk of disconnection continuing over time, a communication breakdown, people feeling that they have unmet relational needs, [and a] misunderstanding about how their partner/s feel about them,” Christophers added.

But Roos is keen to highlight that “it’s natural to go through times of less intimacy, and that facing a tough period isn’t the same” as going through a ‘silent divorce’.

She ended: “Be aware of the warning signs and stay in touch with your own and your partner’s feelings, and you’ll have a great chance of finding [your way] back before it goes too far!”